Musings From A Misguided Soul
by musingsofacigarettesmokin'girl
Summary: Inside the head of our favorite redhead Turk. Getting to know a little about why Reno is the way he is. Is he just a product of circumstance or is it something deeper then that? Story unfolds looking back at the chapters of Reno's life, loves and losses.
1. How Did I Get Here?

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 1 – How did I get here…?**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** This is an introduction of a man who needs no introduction. Musings of our favourite red-headed Turk who we've all taken to our hearts.

**************

Its hard to remember what life was like before now. Going about the same daily routine, moving like clockwork to the beat of some twisted tune. Doing only when told to.

I always thought that I was hardy, prepared for life… but nothing could ever prepare me for the events that unfolded before me, taking me down a path that just forced me forward into something I wasn't even sure I wanted. I've tried to look back and think about what I would have been if things had only been different for a mere moment. Could one moment really change your life forever? How can you be sure? Maybe no matter what you do it doesn't matter, you're destined for something horrible. Take comfort in that, maybe, that your whole life is already planned, you're not really the one doing the evils because its fate… you're only a tiny piece in a greater plan.

I don't know what wakes me up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat with my breath caught in my chest. Maybe it's the idea that I'm really not in control, that no matter what I do everything will wither and crumble around me no matter what. Or maybe it's the thought that I am in control, that the events of my life weren't predestined at all- that I had a choice, that I chose my place in this world.

I look around at the people I love and care about and how I've taken them to hell and back and often wonder what kind of a person I am. the thoughts that enter into my mind, the ideas… its not even worth mentioning, yo.

This is my confession. The confession of a man, no not a man… merely a person at all. The confessions of a killer… a thief and sinner.

I'd laugh right now if I could… I really would, just to see how it felt, I can joke and tell you stories in my normal mannerism, twisting them to fit make even the bleakest situation shine bright; To cause a slow, unsure smirk to crawl across your features… but I'm not going to do that anymore. I need you to listen to a story, my story…

**************

**A/N: Please Review, This is the start of a multi-chapter story through the eyes of our red-head Turk, it's a little bit of a spin off from my on-going story 'Awaken' just to get a bit of background on Reno.**


	2. Every Story Needs A Beginning

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 2 – Every Story Needs a Beginning…**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** A 'tell-me-about-your-childhood' moment for Reno as he begins to paint the picture of where his roots lie.

**********

I walked along the dusty track, kicking the dirt in front of me, causing plumes of dust to engulf my feet for a second before they tore through, and scraped along. My hands where planted deep into my pockets, fingers playing with the tangled cotton inside. My head hung down so far that I could feel my chin resting against my chest, red framed my vision as large clumps of messy hair flopped over my face.

Sound of laughing, arguing and general chit chat started to push back into my head as some kids, my age, scuffled past me. School had only finished 15 minutes ago and I was heading home alone. I couldn't socialise with most of the children my age, I wasn't like them. I was the poor kid, I wasn't hit about or made fun of… no never that yo, I was a fighter – never for the sake of sport. Where the other children played games together, eat at home around their family table, studied, played computer games… My sister and I trained with my dad…

My father worked for ShinRa, and made him self a pretty penny really. He trained SOLDER operatives; tort them how to wield weaponry, how to use your training in the field, how not to crack under the pressures, how to keep a level head, how to snap a mans neck…

My father was the best trainer in the ShinRa company, glorified for his ruthless approach… a trait which is difficult to admire in an alcoholic father. None the less he was mainly known for his work with Sephiroth, every mans hero. That made myself and sister known by most of the children as 'his kids'… most parents didn't like the idea of their children hanging out with the children of the man who could train the whole ShinRa 'army'.

I swung around and back to reality as something grabbed me from behind, I turned at speed only to find nothing their, I pivoted on my heels to turn to face the same aqua eyes I saw in the mirror every morning. My sister. The only person who could sneak up on me; stealthy, slim, fast… too much like me.

Her tone serious and hard, face looking ever so hurt "You didn't wait for me" she bounced from one foot to another and smiled widely at me "What'sup with that yo?" I held back a well deserved eye roll. One thing was for sure Rho', that's my sister… well Rhodes, or later know as Pyro… was always bubbly and positive, I could never figure out why when we were young. Only when we were older, when I first saw her break down in hysterical tears did I understand why… but any way, I'm going off track.

I moved past her and continued on my walk. She must have stayed still, watched me past a little confused before bounding back up to me. "What'sup _Mak?_" she chimed, causing her voice to move up and down as her head bobbed. She tighten her pigtails roughly while we continued to walk, shaking her head to check they were secure. Makka was her pet name for me that she shortened to 'Mak' when we were young- the word meaning 'Deep Red' in Japanese.

"Nothing yo, I'm fine." I lied, the breathed laugh that proceeded my comment wasn't a shock.

"Don't lie to me _Makka, _Doesn't do you any favours" I could never lie to her, It was utterly impossible. I often wondered though if her in built lie detector was a blessing or a curse?

One day, when we were very small our mother had said 'I love you', a rare occurrence out of an abused women mouth – I remember Rhode's face when she'd uttered those words; it wasn't one of comfort or joy… I was one of crushed hope and a painful truth. The response to our mothers 'remark' was 'Don't kid yourself'- our mother never said it again after that…and Rho never spoke of why she said what she said, but I knew she could live with a mother never saying 'I love you' but not with one who would lie to her children about maternal emotions she just… just couldn't feel.

The rest of the walking was in relative silence apart from the scuffing of my feet against the path and Rhodes occasionally humming the same repetitive tune over and over again with a lolly held tightly in her mouth. Every so often I'd see her roll the lolly from one side of her mouth to the other and glance my way to see if I had anything to say yet.

We walked slowly through to sector 8, Rhodes eyes scanned along the big boards of 'Loveless' plastered everywhere the eye could see. She chortled, shrugging her shoulders. Rhodes' opinions of cryptic messages regarding love, war, hate were low at that. "Why can't people jus say what they mean." She muttered to herself, more of a statement then a question.

I looked across the way at a beautiful blonde woman, dressed in a black suit, crystal white shirt and a black tie making up her familiar outfit. I was always used to seeing Turks moving around sector 8, doing nothing much, but this girl had caught my eye. At this point I didn't realise she was Rosalind of coarse, all I saw was a beautiful older girl who for a moment made me look at girls as something other then friends or family, but made me look at a girl the way my father lusted after women.

My legs must have prevented me from walking, much to the amusement of my sister, she glanced back at me from a couple of meters ahead of me with a wicked grin on her face. I quickly composed myself and ran to catch up to my sister giving her a playful punch on the arm as I tried to will my cheeks not to burn the same colour as my hair.

I lied before, I think I will laugh a little, thinking of how Rosalind was my first crush! Laney would kill me if she knew! Rosalind is now more of a… well… sister I suppose. Funny how thing work out yo.

I glanced back once to see that women walking in the opposite direction, back the way we just came, as we marched on toward sector 1. To get to sector 1, or between any of the sectors for that matter, you had to walk through a dusty abandoned area, filled with scrap metal, rubbish, food scraps and an abundance of beasts that made this their homes. Kalm Fang, one we encountered on this particular journey home from school. We'd fought Kalm Fang before, but at first opportunity we'd flee – always taught to refrain from using our fighting abilities.

The events leading up to the attack are unimportant, mundane – as Tseng would say. We walked and were sprung upon by a large male Kalm Fang. It dived for Rhodes initially, knocking her to the ground, before it could sink its fangs into her she'd already thrown the beast from her flipping back to her feet. Before it could go back in for round two I'd grabbed it and swung it round, feeling its neck snap it my head lock. I felt its body twitch before it fell limp in my arms. Everything had happened so fast I didn't realise what I'd done until it was over.

I don't know what went through my head, all I saw was Rho's face in pure shock. Its hard to remember my thoughts at the time at all but her face was clear as day in my head. She didn't look upset or angry, frightened or proud, she just looked momentarily stunned.

In contrast to the walk before – silence broken up with rhythmic humming, all we did was talk. My sister initiated the conversation by sighing and piping up with "So, You not been talking 'cause you're secretly missing Ru and your too proud to admit it?!", I glanced up not even surprised at my sisters calm composer, I think I reflected that with my steady voice as I spoke with her- just as she did too me.

"I'm not _missing _Rude" She smiled and quirked an eyebrow and eyes urging me just to stop lying to myself, I caved… "Okay, so I miss Rude. Big deal!"

Rude's mum had only died a month ago… She'd been ill for a while but hid it pretty well from everyone, and even if she wasn't hiding it well behind closed doors- Rude never let on to us the full extent of her poor health.

All I really know about it is that it was due to intense mako poisoning, past a curable stage, and that she'd worked in the ShinRa reactors for years causing Rude's father to blame ShinRa for their downfalls. The funeral was merely a week later, one week following that Rude informed us his dad was taking him out of the city, moving to Kalm… a few days later they were gone… just gone…

"I miss him too" she finally sighed, as if she'd been holding that in too and just needed an excuse to admit it to herself.

"Hey, we don't need baldy… we're fine without him yo" I nudged her on her arm as we strolled along. A lob sided smile spread across her features.

Eventually we hit sector 1, home to us, just before you reached the station there was a small site of occupants living in trailers and static caravans, some even in small tin huts made from scraps of metal and debris from the plate above. We had one of the larger trailers on this plot.

Most ShinRa operatives owned houses on the plate or at least had a modest flat. My father could have easily afforded a house on the plate but due to his alcohol problem and our mothers obsession with buying rare snow globes for extortionate prices made living expenses tight.

I glanced at Rho' and we both took a breath, opening the rusty door familiar homely smells wafted reluctantly into our nostrils.

Something I've now learnt is that the smells that people associate with home seem to carry happy memories. They will all mention it, Elena and Rosalind when they can smell lilac's; Rude when he smells pretty much anything burning, the smell of an open fire; Cyr with the smell of freshly baked doughnuts and Tseng… he doesn't really talk about home too much. Me and Rho' have always associated home with the smell of stale beer and fumes from alcohol mixed with cigarettes and rotting fast food- surprising we never really appreciated everyone's view of 'homely smells'.

I walked in first, just to protect Rhodes in case Dad and Mum were throwing things from one side of the trailer to the other… luckily it was empty. "Coast is clear" I affirmed walking further into the trailer. Rho' nudged me forward so she could close the door behind her.

I took a moment to look around at the empty bottles and cans scattering the surroundings. Trying to see a straight path through all of the rubbish and half empty fast food containers to our room. There wasn't one. I began to wade through the rubbish dodging the broken glass due to the worn away soles of my shoes making very little protection for my feet.

Our room was relatively tidy, a tiny room where you could just fit two single beds, two bed side tables and two wardrobes. We kept our room relatively tidy, refusing to be like the animals that kept us.

Rhodes flung herself onto her bed, reaching down the side to pull out her katana. Although our father refused to buy us luxuries the one thing to did invest in was weaponry. He would make us train with all weapons; swords, knifes, EMR's, guns, numb chucks, cross bow, materia, axe, even every day mundane objects to show us how to use our surroundings to our advantages.

I automatically took to the EMR using it to its full potential, Rho opted for the katana. Our father was a master in all weaponry yet he always favoured his trusty switch blade… the switch blade can be seen as the start of my story really. Nothing particular had happened that day until later then night…

**********

**A/N: This is just a chapter to begin to paint a picture of Reno's life, I've never really written in this kind of narrative so this is all a little new for me. Please review, make me smile =D…**


	3. Beautiful Lies

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 3 –Beautiful Lies…**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** Reno tells us about his Father and about the real things to monsters that go bump in the night. Warning: This Chapter contains violence and strong imagery that some readers may find disturbing.

*******************

What can I say about my father? Apart from him being a brutally tall built-like-a-brick-shit-house build (obviously my sister and myself inherited our Mothers slender more 'agile' body type), he was… lets say… interesting.

He was a feared man, training up most of the top level of ShinRa's army. He was good friends with Heidegger, and unfortunately (with my mothers knowledge) he was let's say _intimate _with Scarlet. Heidegger was head of 'Public Safety', that term being used in the loosest of ways, a frightfully large man with a sick sense of humour and sport that matched my fathers. Scarlet was a- well, a whore to put it lightly, head of Weapons Development (that's exactly what it says on the tin).

As a trainer in combat, torture resistance and implementation he was second to none; the best of the best. As a father, role model and carer he was… poor to put it lightly.

My father, Reid, and mother, Robyn married one year before Rhodes and I were born. They met when my mother was doing work Reeve Tuesti as a PA in the Urban Development department. It was a fling and an impulsive romance that resulted in a marriage, two weeks later on one very drunken night, doomed for disaster. Myself and sister were the result of far too much tequila.

Me and Rhodes are twins, unlike a lot of siblings (Rosalind and Elena for example) we are close, closer then close. Maybe it's a genetic bond that comes from birth or maybe it's the crap that we've over come as a duo. One things for sure our parents were unprepared for one child, never mind two.

We were always reminded that we were an accident, unplanned and that life was a bed of roses before our stumble into the world. I'd like to say it never bothered us but who could say that wouldn't? but it made our sibling bond tighter, stronger then ever because we always knew we only had ourselves, each other to count on when this got bleak.

Reid drunk too much, had an unhealthily relationship with the bottle. Every night after work he'd go to the local bar 'Diablo' with his friend Heidegger and then stubble home intoxicated, often falling through the trailer door.

These nights were the ones we feared the most, Rhode's bed was the one furthest away from the door – we kept blankets and pillows under her bed so in this event we were prepared. When we heard him fall through the door and shoat obscenities into the great yonder we'd take that as our cue to dive under Rhode's bed and onto the cold hard floor.

There's one night in particular I remember well. We were under Rhode's bed, her arm wrapped around me and calm voice whispering to me that it was all going to be okay, my heart raced in my chest and I could tell in her voice she didn't believe the reassurance she was giving, but sometimes a beautiful lie is better then the harsh truth – I could take comfort in her words. As blood pounded in my ears I felt Rhodes flinch as a hard bang sounded out through the winter's air. The screaming and crying of our parents arguing had fallen silent.

The bedroom door swung open, light flooded the room, Rho pulled me tighter into her. I could see straight under my own bed, through the door and into the 'living area' of the trailer, I could see my mother on the floor behind my fathers huge black military boots. I closed my eyes for a moment, praying he'd just go away, leave us alone.

His large feet pounded on the floor, I pressed back against my sisters body for protection. He stomped across the room and stopped right besides the bed we were taking cover under.

"Reno? Rhodes?" His words were slurred "Are you two hiding again?" he sounded amused. He ripped the bed sheets off the bed and then turned to walk out. Just as Rhodes and my grip loosened off each other he swung around and dropped to the floor, his sadistic face staring at me with an amused grin. He laughed, "Tutt Tutt" he scolded.

"Don't let go Reno" Rhodes whispered taking my hand in her own, our palms sweaty but locked in an unbreakable grip.

He reached under the bed snatching my other arm, I think my heart my have momentarily stopped. I wanted to let go of my sisters hand but she wouldn't let me, as I was dragged out she was pulled with me.

"Rho!" I felt her name pass my lips but I couldn't hear a thing due to fear. I turned to look at her and her huge aqua eyes glistened at me – telling me to be strong, we could do this together, we needed to stick together.

I tried to pull out of my fathers grasp but he grabbed hold of Rhodes as well. I could feel my hand slipping from hers. I began to pray in my head, to Shiva, Ifrit, Ramuh, Titan and Odin, they ran through my head – I think my sister did the same out of fear for our lives. I was sure at this point our mother was dead, every time he'd gone into this state of fury we'd heard him throwing her about and always knew that one time it would be too much.

He threw Rhodes to the bed, her hand slipped from my grasp, I was thrown into the wall – Before everything faded to black I saw his switch blade and the emotionless look plastered on Rhodes' face.

Now, something's must have entered into my unconscious mind, I could hear screams – blood curdling screams and then my sisters voice telling me that beautiful lie. 'I'm fine Reno, Its all okay, Its all going to be okay, we're strong Reno, don't worry yo'.

When I awoke I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I remember opening my eyes and looking up at my sister who was holding my head on her lap, her hand held my own. I tried to focus on her but she looked like a mere blur of red. Then it dawned on me. I sat up, shaking my head and wiping her still bleeding cheek. Her hair had been sliced off and long locks of red carpeted the bare floor, her cheek had been cut and blood poured down her pale skin. Her eye was swollen and lip bust, her clothes ripped and blood streaming from multipul wounds. I remember that I nearly threw up, I could feel the vial raising in the back of my throat. Her aqua eyes just stared at me as I shook my head in disbelieve. "R-Rho" I managed to stutter out. A single tear rolled down her face and hit out hands.

I never asked her exactly what happened, but after that day she was never the same. She didn't really cry, I just held her, she didn't speak. Our mother and father had disappeared from the trailer, for a moment I thought he'd gone to dump her body but that wasn't a priority of mine to check these things – my sister needed me.

I held her, thoughts whirling through my head, if only I'd held onto her hand. I didn't know what to say, she always reassured me. I kissed her forehead gently and pulled a blanket round her.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked, and words fell from her mouth that I never thought I'd hear.

"Just… Lie to me"

*******************

**A/N: Sorry this is a very bleak chapter, I think its important for Reno's character development to explain about the traumas in childhood. Please review… Love it? Hate it? Let me know. If you've taken the time to read this far please just take a couple of minutes to click that little green button.**


	4. I'm Sorry

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 4 –I'm Sorry…**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** Confessions and apologises. Contains strong language that some may find offensive.

*******************

I'd told my fragile sister (no matter how hard she tried to hide it) stories of Banora and the life Rude, her and me, would have if we only waited a little bit longer, until the time was right. I'd given her a potion to heal her bleeding cuts before washing her face and arms with warm water and patting her down.

As I'd walked back into the 'kitchen' area to wash the blood out of the cloth I noticed I could hear sobbing, my head skipped a beat momentarily as my mind rushed to a sister who _never _sobbed. As I walked towards our bedroom again I could see Rhodes on her bed, wrapped up with a blanket around her looking at me with a confused expression. I smiled to her reassuring her worried mind before turning towards our parent's room.

I remember the sobbing got louder and I held my breath for a moment pushing the paper thin door open. In the corner of the darkened room I could make out a figure, a shaking figure, sobbing and holding hands over ears protectively.

I walked over and crouched down, her huge icy blue eyes looked up at me, bloodshot with inconsolable tears. I pulled a blanket from my parent's bed and wrapped it around our mothers shaking form. There was a look of confusion in her face, she opened her mouth to say something but her voice was barely audible.

"What? What is it?" I asked taking her hands in my own, she pulled away.

"Y-you're evil" she sobbed "Both of you, you're evil!" She pushed me to the floor, she was shouting now "Get out of here!" she screamed, tears pouring down her drawn face "Get out!"

I quickly moved, backing into the bed and almost tripping over in my attempt to flee the cramped stale room and the disturbed women lurking in his musty shadows. She slammed the door behind me, I could here her sobbing uncontrollably and I was surprised that I felt nothing for her, no compassion, no sympathy just disgust at her weakness.

My sister was now stood in the door way, she'd pulled on clean clothes, boots and a black jacket. I looked just past her at the clothes all stuffed into our school backpacks.

"W-what are you doing Rhodes?" I asked but I already knew

"We're leaving Mak, we're better then this, we're not staying anymore!"

"And where are we going to go Rho?!" I don't know exactly why I began to fight her over this decision but I did, for some reason I wanted to cling onto familiarity.

Her mouth was open, as if shocked that I wasn't willing to pick up my bag she'd thrown together for me and just leave into the cold night, wander through the slums and maybe just get us both killed in the process "I can't believe you, you have always said how we can do anything! We can do anything! We're better then Mum, better then Dad, we're stronger." I don't know exactly what look was plastered across my face but she snapped "Reno! God we've gotta do this yo! We're not turning out like her in there! Crying and afraid! How many nights have we spent curled up under my bed, clinging on to each other?!" an angry tear slipped down her swollen bruised cheek. "I'm not going to stay here! Why would you want to?!"

I can still see her piercing eyes digging into me, and I realised what it was that held me back from picking up that bag, and as the cogs turned in my head I spoke words before they had even registered in my mind "I'm scared!" I yelled, her eyes went wide as if unbelieving for a moment that I was going to say, admit that I was afraid!

"Rhodes we can leave! This is our place! The plans we've made do you really believe for a second we're going to be able to do any of it yo?!" I found the words following out, being open with Rhodes and myself. "We're slum scum! We're destined to lead our parent's lives! We can't escape it! Don't you get that?!"

She shook her head disbelieving and backed away from me, I know I wanted to stop but the words kept flying out "Do you really think we're going to escape from this shit hole?! Honestly! You're the walking lie detector! Is any of this ringing true to you?! Rhodes we're kids! We can't take on the world! We can't even fight one man! One pathetic man! Who it just happens that I'm turning into! That you're turning into too!"

My heart was racing, I stared at Rhodes and she reflected my look. We stood there in silence for moments staring at each other. She took a deep breath as if about to say something and then stopped, deciding against it. I looked down at the floor but I could tell she was still looking at me.

She slowly slipped off her jacket and sat down, untying her boot laces and kicking them across the floor. I still couldn't make any eye contact with her, I was still shaking from the serge of adrenaline.

"R-rho I'm sorry"

"I know" she softly spoke, drawing my attention "But you're right… You are so right though, we can't get out of here yo…" she smiled, a small knowing smile as if everything I had just said rang perfectly true to her "…Guess we really do, just have each other…"

"and Rude yo…" I quipped, smiling down at her before slumming onto the bed next to Rho.

She chortled, wrinkling her nose "…sure we could survive _without _baldy…" I smiled pulling her into a hug, whispering apologises through her hair as she muttered her own remorse back too me.

This particular night that seems like one of the longest night in my whole life was a milestone, we'd come to terms with the bleak future and we were still standing tall, standing strong.

Rhodes physical bruises and bumps soon disappeared (she's a fast healer) and we eased back into the routine we knew so well. The beatings continued, our father continued to drink, our mother continued to affirm our belief that we could never amount to anything and our friend Rude found ways to visit us regularly.

Life went on, Gaia kept on turning another day.

Even now though I still wonder if what I did that night was wrong, if I should have pick up my bag and just left with my sister. Gone and found Rude in Kalm and then we could have all made our way to the Chocobo ranch and from there, tried to find some way to get to Banora and made the plans we'd made materialise.

But we didn't, we stayed. Maybe this really was the worst decision of my life. I look at what I've become, what my sister has become and wonder if this was the moment that changed us forever. Don't get me wrong yo, as people we're stronger, we know where out loyalties lie, but do the gods really take into consideration the wrongs that were inflicted onto you and give you a break when you inflict hurt and suffering onto others? I don't think so.

*******************

**A/N: This chapter was more of a filler, just to get back on track, but could still do with a review =D… Little green button please =D**


	5. It Started With A Pebble

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 5 –It Started With A Pebble…**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** One of the darkest chapters in Reno's history, the ultimate confession on guilt. Contains strong language, sexual imagery and violence that some may find offensive.

*******************

This chapter of my life is one I haven't shared with anyone, its something I don't talk about- and for good reason. I'm not sure how you will react, what you'll think of me as a person. I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this with you yo.

Friday had always been our favourite day. Dad would be at work until late, Mum would have already drunk herself into a coma and Rho and me could do what ever we felt like doing. This Friday had felt different… but that's only because I knew something my dear sister didn't!

Straight after school I rushed to go and meet my sister, I looked across the school grounds to try and pick her out of the swam of hyper children looking forward to the weekend ahead. I hated the fact that we weren't in class together anymore, having split us up for no good reason that either of us could see. The past couple of days we'd caught up with each other almost half way home but not today, We had to take a little detour.

I finally saw her walking out of the gates, alone, head held high in a false façade of confidence. I'd tried to barge through the crowd with little success, in a last ditch effort to catch hold of her I swung my body onto the wall, running along like an idiot, arms waving in the air shouting her name.

"Rho! Stop! Rhodes!!" Just as I saw her swing round to see where the yelling was coming from I felt a hand slip round my ankle and my body fall flat into the wall and over onto the floor.

"Reno! I should have known!" The blinding sun was obstructing my view, I finally focused in on Mr Kingston.

"Sir, sorry would love to stay and chat but-" I began to pull myself when his hand grasped my shoulder pushing me back down

"-Do you think Reno that school property is something to be used as a climbing frame?! That people pay good money to build a nice place for you to get an education just for you to trash it down like a tricky Jayjujayme!"

"A what?" That was a stupid thing to say really, but having never encountered a Jayjujayme and I was never an A star student in Mr Kingston's bestiary class left me a little confused, lucky for me my sister was top of that class and a favourite of Mr Kingston's.

Mr Kingston opened his mouth to give me a tongue lashing when another voice piped up "Native to Wutai, has four major abilities bite, silk, thread and confu-scale, but I can't see the similarities with Reno, yo"

I couldn't help but smirk as Kingston's jaw closed and he looked like he didn't really know where to put himself, before he could speak again Rhodes continued "Sir, We've really got to get off, Reno's sorry about climbing on school property and I will guarantee this will never happen again" god if only she knew how right she was.

He nodded, a little defeated "Try and get him home…intact, Rhodes" she smiled sweetly until he passed by. After he'd gone the strained smile faded into an annoyed face scrunch.

"Reno, can you not get through jus' one day without causing trouble yo?"

"Rho, its important! We gotta go now!" I grabbed her hand and began to run pulling her in toe.

After a while of dragging her down the streets, trying desperately not to blurt out my big surprise, while also explaining to my exhausted sister why I was dragging her to no-mans-land, finally we arrived.

"Reno, I needa go get changed yo!"

"Jee'uz Rho shut up! It's a Friday! Live a little!"

"I'm in a skirt Reno! No chance I'm training in a skirt!" As we approached the abandoned train I couldn't help smirking too myself. She was just about to come out with another comment when her eyes met with my big surprise. "RUDE!!" she left my grasp bounding up to our friend who was leaning very nonchalantly on one of the abandoned trains (the train that just so happens still to this very day has the three of our names tastefully plastered across the inner shell).

Rude wrapped his arms around my sister hugging her and lifting her off the ground, spinning her around as she lifted her feet off the ground. While I kicked the dirt with my dull leather shoes.

"What the hella you doing here Rude-boy?" she asked still clutching onto him

He snorted, we both knew his hate of the pet name 'Rude-boy' which made it his official nickname. "Thought I'd come see my two favourite people" his voice was his usual dry tone.

"Oh…" she pulled away to look at him "…Well we better go find them" she answered seriously turning away, he grasped her arm punching her playfully in the shoulder, she turned and beamed at him, I could see Rudes recognition of the bruising on her face, he frowned. By this point I think I was a little jealous… so I piped up

"Do I get a look in?" I know, I know, I don't think I could have come out with anything gayer in that moment but he's my best friend yo!

Rude peered over his sunglasses at me, his stern stoic expression cracked into a slight smirk "Did Reno miss me?" Rude addressed my sister

"Ha! Miss you? He's practically been crying himself to sleep every night!" she laughed, I silenced her with a less then playful punch in the arm

"Ow…" she rubbed it, powting slightly "…guess I deserved that…" she paused looking from Rude to me "…well I guess you're about for the weekend?"

Rude and I both nodded in reply

"Great, well I'll just run home and get changed, I'll be back in ten minutes?" she looked at her imaginary watch (that was always something that puzzled me about my sister, she had never ever worn a watch in her life… yet when ever arranging a time or date (or anything that you could possibly glance at your watch for) she would look at her right wrist, either her watch was invisible or… or she was/is just crazy… I really should bring this up with her at some point… anyway I'm going way off track)

"Want us to come with?" I asked, a little dubious about letting my sister walk home unequipped to go into battle with any beasts prowling the slums.

"Nah, you two catch up, don't worry I'll flee if anything attacks" she wrinkled her nose and grinned "In a bit guys" and with that she'd disappeared.

After she was far enough out of sight I looked at my friend "Think she'll be okay?" I asked

"She can kick your ass" he quipped, quick response, I might have laughed if it wasn't at my expense.

After a few minutes of mindless chit chat we settled into some more serious talking.

"…so, you wanna explain why you both black eyes?" he asked, I felt my skin prickle as the words washed over me.

"Not really" was the only answer I could come up with as I settled down onto one of the railway sleepers opposite Rude.

"Was it you?" he asked

"No!" I know I was a little defensive, I mean it wouldn't have been the first time that Rude, Rhodes or me had received a black eye from one another in playful sparring.

"What happened?" he was playing with little pebbles, throwing them onto the ground and watching to see if they bounced, every so often glancing up – probably to gage my response.

"Needa ask?" I really didn't want to go into the sordid details, details I wasn't sure about, It's a little hard to construct a factual story when you were unconscious when the facts were all unfolding, and it wasn't like Rhodes had told me the whole story – I could tell she was holding back information.

"Guess not" also Rude was fully informed of the beatings my father had given us over the years, it was of little surprise that in Rude's absence the same olde twisted routine had been playing out in the dusty Midgar slums.

"How's about you anyway? How's the high life treating you?" at that point one of Rudes rouge pebbles bounced off the floor hitting me in the temple "Hey!" I picked it up, noticing Rudes amused expression, so I threw it back at him, hitting him on the ridge of his nose. A little harsh but well deserved, it also got the desired response, him cupping his now bleeding nose and eyes watering.

"Gods! I'm bleeding!" he snapped, blood pouring from his damaged nose

"Shit! Sorry man!" I honestly didn't expect it to cause that much damage "C'mon, lets get you back to my place, get you clean up yo"

He nodded, obviously too pissed off to argue.

The walk back was in relative silence, except for Rude sniffing up every 4th step. I remember apologising continually for most of the walk to my trailer.

Now, for anyone reading this… I must warn, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to face back at the dank trailer. No amount of training, nothing. At the time my thoughts were with my bleeding friend. At the time I thought that Rudes nose was the disaster of the day. At the time I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side of the wafer thin door.

I turned to Rude "Wait here yo?", he nodded, sitting on a rusty upturned barrel.

I walked over to the trailer and pushed open the door.

My eyes homed in on my sister, pinned up against the living room wall, shirt open, an arm to her throat, a hand creeping up her school skirt… even talking about it brings the sickly taste of acid vial to the back of my throat… our father, home early, pinning _my sister! _my sister to the wall.

My heart must have been racing so fast that it almost jumped out of my throat entirely. I could just about hear my mothers distant sobbing over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. Rhodes eyes were wide and full of fear, begging me to help her, my stomach churned, my father merely stared at my with anger and disgust, releasing his hold on Rhodes' throat.

My father began to yell, I have no idea what, he began to scream at me, my eyes locked with my sister who couldn't even look at me, she pulled her shirt closed and backed away, as if broken.

I turned my attention to my screaming father, I heard a muffled 'watch out', as my eyes homed into a fist flying towards my face. Something stopped it, or someone. Rhodes dived forward, his fist crushed my sisters cheek sending her body flying into the corner of the coffee table, blood rushed everywhere and her body fell limp on the filthy trailer floor.

I didn't think, that's something I must make very clear. I was sure… or I think I was sure, that I'd just seen my father kill my sister. There was so much blood, It all happened so fast, something primal and instinctive set in. I'd lost the ying part of my yang. We were twins and couldn't be alone. The bastard who'd terrorised us had crossed the line. In all honestly I think all of this was after thoughts, at the time there were no thoughts.

As he lunged for me I moved quickly, I must have grabbed a knife from somewhere, and in a fit of pure adrenaline stabbed out aimlessly.

I will never forget the look on his face as he slid to the floor, I was momentarily paralyze, not sure what just happened. My heart was beating faster that it had ever done before. My mind raced with unorganised thoughts. "Rhodes" I breathed moving over to my sisters still form, now auto-pilot kicked in. I shook her. I rested my hand to her sticky neck feeling a weak pulse, scooping her into my arms I burst into my mothers room, laying my bleeding sister beside my distort mother. She screamed, staring at her lifeless daughter… and me… I just stared, stared blankly, unable to move, unable to think, I don't even know if I was breathing…

Nothing can ever prepare you for the big things in life, the moments that blind side you on an idle Friday afternoon but the moments that change you whole life forever. I often wonder 'what if?', What if Rhodes had stayed with me and Rude on the abandond train tracks? What if Rude hadn't come to visit us that day? What if Mr Kingston hadn't delayed our departure from school? What if that pebble hadn't hit me? What if… Its not even worth thinking about now.

**AN: Please read and review. Thank you =D**


	6. The untitled

**MUSINGS FROM A MISGUIDED SOUL**

**Chapter 6 –The untitled…**

***Pairing:** Reno/Rosalind, Reno/Elena, Reno/Tifa, Rhodes/Tseng, Rude/Cyr  
***Rating: **T  
***Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own any of the characters from all FFVII films, RPG's etc. I claim no hold over characters and locations.  
***Summery:** The aftermath. Confessions and apologises. Contains strong language and topics that some may find offensive.

*******************

I can't quite remember what happened. Its all a blur. I remember Rude pulling me away from my bleeding sister. I remember my mother launching herself at me screaming and crying. I remember the black suits and masked SOLDIER charging in.

And then a cell.

This was the first time I met Tseng and Veld. I wasn't speaking until they told me where my sister was, if she was alive… reasonable demands yo. What I didn't know at that point was that the Turks weren't big on cooperating with someone stepping on ShinRa's toes. So for the next few days, maybe a week I was put through my paces with a series of interrogation methods. Its weird yo, thinking back at how fearful those black suits and intimidation tools seemed… now its my day job.

I didn't know the names for the faces, but I remember meeting Rosalind up close the first time. I don't know how long I'd been in that cell before she came to me but I remember the water she'd brought, how hard it was to swallow down a sandy throat. I remember how she smiled at me with caring eyes and helped me from the hard floor to the bunk.

"Reno" she spoke out in her calming tone "I'm going to tell you about your sister"

"Rhodes?" I could barely speak

"Don't speak, just listen. Rhodes is in a coma, she's being treated at ShinRa medical, she received substantial head trauma but is stable. She's being treated by the finest doctors in Gaia and they are confident she will recover" she spoke slowly, gauging my reaction

"Can-can I see her?"

She shook her head solemnly "You have answer out questions first"

"Please, I just want to see she's okay"

"Reno" She moved a lock of blonde hair behind her ear "We're here to help your sister and you, you really need to come with me"

At the time I didn't realise how bad the situation really was, but I found out. Rosalind had sat me down in the interrogation room, video recording my responses to her questions. Tseng stood behind her. I stated my name, age for the record. Then they explained the situation.

My father had been killed that night due to a fatal stab wound, I was being held on accounts of murder. My sister hospitalised, I was also being held on charges for my sisters condition. I can't tell you exactly what was going through my head at that moment but I do remember Tseng speaking up.

"The doctors have done an extensive medical examination on your sister. They've found evidence of abuse dating back to early childhood" He opened a file that was tucked under his arm and slid a page out of it across the table.

An X-ray, a bony out line of a hand across dark plastic.

"Reno, this X-Ray shows evidence of fractures, each one broken separately across her left hand" Rosalind explained "Do you know what happened to her?"

"I-I don't know" I pushed the X-Ray across the table, only to have another placed down on the table.

"Her rib cage" Tseng spoke out, his tone cold the complete opposite of Rosalinds "Broken ribs, old and new, earliest dating back eight years" Another was flipped down into view "Skull fractures" and another "Pelvis fractures" and another…

I felt sick.

Jumping up suddenly I threw the table into the wall, plastic sheets scattered into the air. Two guns had already been pointed at me.

"What do you want from me?!"

"Reno, calm down… we just want the truth" Rosalind fixed me with a hard stare, Tseng and she exchanged a glance before lowering their weapons.

"Reno, please sit down…" Rosalind urged.

I ran my hands over my face, refusing to show weakness before expecting defeat and slumming back onto the fixed metal chair. Rosalind moved the placed the table up right, sitting on the chair opposite to me.

"Reno" my attention shifted to Tseng, who had again remained standing "If we conducted the same medical on you would we find similar injuries?

I swallowed unsure of how to respond "You obviously already think you know what's happened, You got a real question to ask yo? Just &%$£%$& ask me!"

Rosalind cleared her throat "Did your father hurt your sister?"

I locked on with Rosalind "Yes"

"Did your father hurt you Reno?"

"Yes"

"Did you kill your father Reno?"

I swallowed, looking into my lap and tried to make sense of the whirling thoughts."I-I don't know" I breathed taking a deep breath that dried my throat, finally I looked up "Yes"

She continued "We already spoken to your friend Rude, we need to hear what happened from your point of view, I know this might be difficult but-"

"What the %$£& do you know?!"

This may have been that moment they call, _'breaking point'_

"What the %$£&! You know nothing! Do you know what its like to hide under you bed while your mothers being thrown around in the next room?! Do you know what its like to be battered down like an animal purely because you exisit?! Do you know what its like to live knowing that if you take one step outa line that you might be killed?! Or worse get someone else killed?!"

Rage bubbled up blinding me from anything else "You wana know what the %$£& happened that day?! Okay I'll tell you! I walked back to that &*$% hole whole to find that scum pinning my _sister_! His %$£&*!£ _daughter! _pinning her against the wall." I felt a vial roll up in my throat and my anger subsided. I felt for a moment something petrifying… I felt nothing.

"Everything happened so fast, I didn't act I just reacted. I was angry. Angry he could use her like that. Angry she let him. Then he'd tried to hit me, Rhodes got in the way. He came at me again and I grabbed the nearest object… a knife. I m-m… I must have stabbed him in the fight."

"So it was an accident?" Tseng's voice pulled me back into the room, engaging me in reality.

Even now when I look back on the events that steered me towards this life I wonder if it was an accident. What classifies as an accident? I'd dreamed of a day when we'd be free of that life, of him. I'd wished that wish countless times before. So I had intent. I wanted him dead. So if the intent was there and I did the act (subconsciously or not) doesn't that make me the murder? And then how can it be called an 'accidental murder'… listen to me, I coming out with so much psycho-babble anyone would think I was a shrink or somethin'.

"Reno, was the stabbing an accident?" he asked again

"Yes" I nodded affirming the statement

"Okay…" Rosalind glanced at Tseng and he nodded a signal to her, as if happy with my statement, "Reno we're going to take you back to your cell now, In a little while someone will come for you"

"Do I get to see Rho?"

"Rhodes?" Rosalind looked at her counterpart again in need for confirmation

"We'll see what we can do, we'll know more after your statement has been processed"

The next few hours dragged by, sat in that cell I'd become all too familiar with. I knew ever blemish on the walls, every crack in the mortar, every blood splatter… and the rest…

Finally I heard the metal screech as the bolts moved across, In walked Rosalind.

"Come with me Reno"

I was taken down to the cells showers, given clean clothes. I remember letting the water wash over me, letting it all wash away, the anger and confusion, I watched it run down the drain, just wash away.

Rosalind sat with me as I ate the food, Its surprising how good ShinRa food tastes when you're starving.

"So…" between hurried mouth full's "…do I get to see her?"

"Don't speak with your mouthful" she scolded but continued "You'll get to see her, first we need the medics to look over you, do a physical"

I swallowed "What's going to happen to us? My sister? Me?"

She smiled, and it did ease me a little, I've come to know that smile. It's the one that tells me that Rosalind know more then she'd ever let on, it's the smile that tells me she got something up her sleeve or she knows things are going to be okay.

"Don't worry about that right now."

"Is there…" I looked down, ashamed to be asking "…is there going to be a funeral?"

She glanced away momentarily "Reno the funeral is tomorrow… Your mother has requested that you don't attend. As you're in our custody and the case is still in the air we have to bend to her wishes."

I nodded.

I'm not sure if attending the funeral, watching his coffin being lowered into the dirt, would have made any difference to me. People say that funeral are apart of the grieving process, help you move on.

I don't think I was grieving.

The walk down into medical bay was a long one. Each corridor looked like the next, the smell of industrial cleanser burnt my nostrils. My eyes scanned each room we passed. The sick and dying all lined up in a very orderly fashion. The doctors moving quickly passed me, each one rushing to save gods-only-knew-which-pure-bastard.

Then I was there. I stopped just behind my guide. Rosalind turned to me.

"You can go in Reno"

I walked through the door, and there she was. Wires, tubes pumping drugs and fluids into bruised veins, monitors moving rhythmically to the beat of her heart.

Her face still swollen and body healing, but she looked so peaceful. I held myself back for a moment and glanced behind me to Rosalind,

"Will she be able to hear me?"

"I'm not sure… sometimes they can… there's no harm in talking to her… I'll knock when your times nearly up okay?"

I nodded and walked into the room, hearing the door click shut behind me. I did one last glance but I was alone. I took the seat next to my sleeping sisters bed taking her hand into my own.

I took a moment holding her hand I didn't know where to start/

"Rhodes… I-I don't know if you can hear me… Its Reno… I just wanted to say, I need you to wake up. Things are really… really bad here without you…" I couldn't help but laugh "I know that's not really gonna make you wanna come back… but… things can only get better right?" I rested my forehead on her hand, taking a breath "You're better then this yo. You gotta fight, 'cause that's what we are… fighters… you can let him win…" I swallowed that lump in my throat "…I don't know if you know but… but he's gone now… he's gone." Anger began to rise again inside me again "Rho… just… why, why didn't you tell me what he did?! We don't hide things from each other, we get through things together. You can tell me anything, why not that? I would have got us out… we could have gone to Banora, set up a life there… you could have been a, an apple picker" I laughed at the image, "Please, just let me know that you're in there, that you can still hear me. You're strong… you're stronger then this."

For the next few moments I sat there, talking to her… about everything and nothing. A knock rang out causing me to turn suddenly, remembering where I was.

"I gotta go soon Rho…" I swallowed my pride and spoke up "Rho… I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't protect you, I'm sorry for this life…" I felt her hand twitch, my heart nearly jumped into my chest "Rho?" my voice came out barely above a whisper "Rho?! Can you hear me?... Rhodes I need you to wake up, I love you Rho"

Her hand clenched mine and mouth opened taking in a breath.

"-R-Reno?" A raspy voice spoke out, barely audible.

"Yeah, its me… I'm here"

"Reno its time to go" Rosalind popped her head in.

I span on my heels "S-she's awake… g-get a doctor! She's awake!"

Rosalind ran over and watched as her eyes tried desperately to open, the heart monitor showing pounding patterns across its screen.

"Stay here" she ordered as she exited the room.

"Reno?" her eyes opened briefly before the swelling forced them closed again.

"I'm here its okay" I squeezed her hand

"D-don't be s-" she managed

"What?"

"Don't be sorry"

**A/N: I'm sorry this has taken so long, Its been a difficult one to write. I've also been trying to get the balance of this character right, I don't want him to be a monster or an angel. I don't want people to think he's a soft touch but in this kind of situation it's a difficult thing to accomplish. I hope I got the balance right. Please review. I promise things should start to lighten up, this is just a dark time in our red-headed Turks life.**

**Green button please…**


End file.
